


your new boyfriend('s an arsehole)

by Parfaiti



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Harry is a mess, Plot Twist but not really, Songfic, a lot of suggestive jokes... puns... ?, holy shit this fic is so late im sorry planey ily kith, mention of nsfw but its not that bad its just my sense of humor, your new boyfriend by wilbur soot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 14:13:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29735094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Parfaiti/pseuds/Parfaiti
Summary: “Anyways, her new boyfriend’s an arsehole-”“You mean you want him to fuck your arsehole,” Ron snorted.“Fuck no,” Harry spat, looking affrontedly at his phone. “Tom Riddle is a piece of shit that can fuck off for all I care-"-aka: harry struggles a lot
Relationships: Harry Potter/Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle/Ginny Weasley, or is it - Relationship, past Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley - Relationship
Comments: 7
Kudos: 64
Collections: Harry Potter and TMR, Tomarry 💜





	your new boyfriend('s an arsehole)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [planey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/planey/gifts).



> ily happy late insert number th birthday <3

Harry Potter, 16 years of age, was happy and well.

He was getting good grades, just got quarterback, and - most importantly - his new friend Ronald Weasley’s sister was  _ hot _ . 

  
  
  


_ 1 year later _

Harry Potter, 17 years of age, was upset but still doing okay.

His heart felt like it was in the middle of a tug of war between his girlfriend and (rapidly soon not to be) best friend. He’d been dating Ginny for half a year now, and his best friend Tom who he’d known forever was being a fucking prick for no apparent reason.

His gaze softened, seeing warm - warm, not cold, never cold, of course - brown eyes - eyes that he loved, that didn’t flash red when aggravated, which was  _ not _ hot at all - and red, wild hair - the type he adored, not dark and perfectly coiffed - as his girlfriend hugged him in an attempt to comfort him.  _ I’ll marry her _ .

He told her.

  
  


He ignored the soft voice in the back of his head saying…  _ something _ … otherwise.

  
  
  


_ 7 years later _

Harry Potter, 24 years of age, fucking hated life.

Ginny Weasley, love of his life, had dumped him after 7 years of being together, and now was happily dating  _ Tom Riddle _ . Riddle, who she always complained about back when he and Harry were bes-

Nope. Not going there.

It wasn’t like Harry couldn’t see why. Riddle's fucking jawline, shoulders, muscles… His fucking fashion sense. Fuck. Tom Riddle in a suit. Mmm. 

  
  


Harry wondered what Tom would look like nude.

  
  
  
  
  


He’s not gay, though.

  
  
  


Anyways-

“Anyways, her new boyfriend’s an arsehole-”

“You mean you want him to fuck  _ your  _ arsehole,” Ron snorted. “Get over it, mate, Ginny’s dumped you for a few months already.”

Harry barely heard the second part of what Ron said, stuck on wondering what experiencing the former phrase would be like. That  _ didn’t _ mean he wanted Riddle to, though! Fuck no- occasionally picturing things in the shower doesn’t mean anything, right?

Right. 

He didn’t want to be fucked by Tom Riddle. Or to fuck. Wait, what would that be lik-

“Fuck no,” Harry spat, looking affrontedly at his phone. “Tom Riddle is a piece of shit that can fuck off for all I care-”

He could hear a skeptical noise coming through the phone. The old phone, worn from use, that he’d gotten for his 16th birthday from To- someone. 

Someone not important. Right. 

“You were best friends-”

“... Once. Once upon a time, when we were just kids, and you know I’ve never had good memory. That fucker doesn’t matter to me, okay?

Another skeptical noise, to which Harry rolled his eyes and hung up.

Great. Now that the bastard was brought up, his day was ruined. Not like Harry thought about him every day without Ron telling him, though. Of course not. That’d be-

Well. He did.

Maybe if Riddle wasn’t fine as hell.

Dark hair, curled to perfection, smug smirk, dark eyes, darkened with a flash of red at times-

Red! Red hair!

Right. Ginny Weasley. The woman who he’s been in love with since meeting her. Of course. Love of his life.

Harry racked his brain for bullet points on his “why I’m in love with Ginny” list. She had… good smelling hair? He coughed slightly and put away the task of reminding himself why he was in love with Ginny for later.

He gritted his teeth. Today was the day. He stood in front of the Burrow, taking a deep breath. 

Huh. Was that a new doormat? It seemed less the Weasley’s style and more-

Well. Riddle just keeps showing up, doesn’t he?

Harry glared at the doormat, imagining it to be the smug bastard, and reached for the key hidden behind an inconspicuous potted plant.

“Take that,” he snarled. “I’ve got the key and you’re just a doormat-”

The door suddenly opened, making Harry stumble in surprise. He didn’t revise his speech for the fiftieth time yet! Fuck whoever that was.

“Harry Potter,” the person who he would fuck- wait no- the person who should be fucked- no wait- no- whatever- murmured with a touch of amusement. “Care to explain to me why you were screaming at a poor, innocent doormat?”

Harry recognized the voice and felt himself stiffen (no shit not that way why did he have to narrate everything in his head no he’s not attracted to Riddle okay no shut the fuck up you’re making it worse-) and.

Um.

Why was Tom Riddle so…  _ close _ to him?

No. Bad Harry. Tom Riddle being close was not a phrase he ever wanted to hear in his head. (why did he think like this holy shit now he was thinking about what Riddle would look like right on the edge and  _ oh  _ fuck that’s hot no wait Harry what the fuck are you doing-)

Disregarding that.

Riddle was right in front of him, looking down condescendingly as always, and just beyond him was the Burrow’s door. Right. Burrow. Ginny. Get back together.

“You’re blocking my way, Riddle,” he ground out.

Riddle raised an eyebrow, looking impeccably handsome- sorry, hot- no- fuck- he meant  _ horrible _ \- as always. 

“Here to see my ex-girlfriend?”

Wait. Ex?

Harry opened his mouth, still slightly disoriented and confused. He wasn’t sure if he was going to yell at Riddle, cry and break down, demand an explanation for what he said, scream, start singing a song, do the floss, make a scene similar to what would get someone banned from Disney World at the age of 23, dab, confess his love, make out with Riddle, give him a blowjob, start having sex right there, drop down to one knee and propose, or-

The world would never know what other possibility would have existed, however, because at that moment, while Harry was stuck between the last few options, Riddle leaned in and pressed his lips- ridiculously good looking, really, who even had pretty  _ lips _ , the world is so unfair- to his.

Well.

Harry kissed back anyways.

**Author's Note:**

> Harry:
> 
> Tom:
> 
> Harry:
> 
> Tom: Care to make out again?
> 
> Harry: Sure why not *grabs Tom*


End file.
